Tag Archives: Forgiveness

Final Steps to Learning How to Forgive 4

Forgiveness, Gratitude • Tags: , ,

My Angel Music Box ©Delightfully Different LifeBeginning the Final Steps

The final steps to forgiveness from Dr. Luskin’s book Forgive for Good begin with recognizing what he calls the unenforceable rules of wishes and hopes.  This is what I fail victim to recently when I got upset about something that was out of my control.

Sometimes we have to accept that the goal we set will not be reached in the way we envisioned.  That does not mean our goal is bad, it just means that we do not always have control over every situation.

Chosing Alternate Goals or Routes

We can make a decision to alter our goal or go a different direction when this happens rather than stewing over our disappointment and anger and allowing it to eat us alive.  This may mean severing a relationship or it may mean looking at it from a different view and adapting our plan, but either way the point is to get unstuck so we can move on with our lives.

Instead of demanding others comply with our demands, we have to change our thinking to hoping our wishes come true and working to make this happen while realizing there will always be road blocks in life.  Some we can go around, others we must go over or even under, sometimes we must turn around and regroup or walk or even run away. On a rare occasion maybe it is even okay to plow through the road block. However, first we must carefully weigh the danger and determine if it is safe or at least worth the risk.  We must put aside our anger to make the best decision.

Refocus on Positive Intention

We need to turn the focus back to our positive intention and find another way to make that intention our destiny.  I believe that our true purpose in life is to learn from our mistakes.  Dr. Luskin  states, “The person or event that hurt us is important insofar as we can learn from the situation.  In no way, though, do we allow our grievance to distract us from our goal.”

He goes on to say what so many of us heard growing up. Our greatest revenge on someone who hurt us is to move on and find peace.  He explains how to find your intention if you are unsure of what your intention is.

The Last Step: HEAL

The last step to forgiveness is HEAL.

  1. H is for hope.  Hope for understanding.
  2. E is for educate.  Educate yourself that you will experience disappointments.
  3. A is for affirm.  Affirm your positive intention.
  4. L is for Long-term commitment.  This is your long-term commitment to your well-being by doing whatever it takes to help you move forward.

I choose to educate others to help them avoid the same mistakes as part of my long-term commitment to heal from the mistakes I made when I did not understand my daughter.  Your long-term commitment may involve assertiveness training, counseling, stress management or something else. Near the end of the book Dr. Luskin also discusses ways to forgive yourself. Like me you may have to go back to some of these steps at times when someone unexpectedly pushes your buttons and you find yourself once again needing to forgive yourself and/ or others.

I am grateful for the reminders throughout this book that I can regroup and go back to the stages when I falter in my forgiveness journey. I am grateful for all of the angels on Earth and in heaven who help me with this and I am grateful to those of you who share this journey.

Back to How to Forgive Series 3

Forgiveness • Tags: ,

I have written several posts on forgiveness and I still believe it is important yet, recently I once again found myself stuck and reacting to hurt in ways that I know do not work.

Path to Forgiveness: Part III

Today, I am back on my spiritual path to forgiveness with part three of my review of Dr. Frederic Luskin’s Forgive for Good.  You may remember from my first post that Dr. Luskin makes it clear, “Forgiveness in no way condones cruelty or unkind treatment.” It is about letting go of resentment for your health and emotional well-being.  I thought I was doing this, but recent events prove I have not finished with this yet.

So far, I have changed our story from a negative experience to a positive one as my daughter is doing well since she got away from the negative school environment.  I have spent time focusing on the positives in our lives this year which is the second step. You can do this by looking for and noticing the good even if it is as simple as seeing someone smile or that pet that is happy to see you.

PERT

lt is time to focus on Dr. Luskin’s next step, PERT, the Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique.  This step is about managing our reactions and emotions.  We have to take responsibility for how we feel even if we do not like what happened.

Next is to give a breath of thanks two or three times every day when you are not fully occupied, focus on your breathing, allow air to gently push your belly out and consciously relax your belly as you exhale so it feels soft.  Do this for five to eight times while saying thank you for your life.  Now take two more breaths and then you may resume your regular activity.

Heart Focus

Once you have mastered the technique above, you are ready to move to the heart focus step.  This step is more of a meditation.  Do five minutes of breathing utilizing the soft belly method and then think of a powerful loving memory or a scene in nature that filled you with tranquillity.  Try to re-experience this and hold peaceful feelings for as long as possible.  Do this for ten to fifteen minutes before you slowly open your eyes and resume your activities.  Dr. Luskin suggests doing this three times a week.

You can try a shorter version of this when you are upset for any reason by trying to bring that positive feeling into focus instead so the negativity does not overwhelm you.  This does not mean you are never allowed to feel angry, but rather that you do not let that anger overwhelm you and cause you to make poor choices. Come back tomorrow for the final post on Forgive for Good.

Small Rant Then Second Post in How to Forgive Series 13

Forgiveness, Gratitude • Tags: , , ,

I last wrote a forgiveness post on May 15, 2011.  I started it with the first definition of forgive in the 2004 version of The Merriam-Webster Dictionary is: to give up resentment of. 

Immaculee IlibagizaMy Inspiration

The few who actually read my blog regularly know that I have been working at becoming more like Immaculee Ilibagiza, the Rwandan genocide survivor who inspired me to forgive others.  I have been reading Forgive for Good by Frederic Luskin from the Stanford Forgiveness Project to help me along my journey. 

The Rant

This is where I rant.  A few short months ago I started a blog expecting that everyone related to the autism community would embrace my cause of educating others about girls on the autism spectrum and how being misunderstood causes harm.  I mailed my novel to family members thinking they would read it and understand.  I also gave copies of my novel to people at two local schools including counselors at my daughter’s now former school. 

006I wish I could tell you that everyone has been supportive and they are all helping me to promote my little novel written to teach tolerance and acceptance of differences to help decrease bullying in our schools.  Unfortunately, this would be a lie. 

Maybe I expect too much from people.  My daughter is now at a virtual school because she did not receive adequate support.  Some family members have failed to comment at all after having my novel for months. 

I am really working on forgiving those who let us down.  I believe forgiveness is the best option to avoid being consumed with anger at a world that let down not just me, but also let down my beautiful, talented, smart daughter.  I do not want to become “one of them.”  You know the ones I mean; the seemly, heartless bullies. 

Rant over!

I left off my last forgiveness post promising to tell you more about Forgive for Good and how I am doing with this.  Obviously, I am still working on forgiving.  Part III of Dr. Luskin’s book covers eight chapters.  I am only going to cover the first two steps today.   

Part III: Step I

The first step is to change the grievance story, so we are no longer the victims and to let go of resentment.   

I now realize that my daughter’s former school is an unhealthy environment for her, and I am grateful she is no longer there.  I am also letting go of relationships that are harmful while continuing to work to educate those who are willing to listen.  Others are still welcome to reach out, but I will not be begging for understanding.  I am at peace with my decision. 

I have wonderful supportive friends and some members of our family are supportive while others are trying to be supportive.  My daughter is gaining self-esteem through the support she is receiving from the autism community.  She is happy and her closest friends are supportive too.  She is telling her story and I am very proud of her.  Her story changed course, but it is still full of promise. 

Remote - CopyPart III: Step II

Changing the grievance story is step I.  Step II is to look for beauty, joy, and love in your life.  You can start with baby steps.  My project gratitude posts are my way of doing this.  You might do it another way.  Dr. Luskin calls this changing your channel and he gives an excellent analogy of TV channel surfing to illustrate how to do this so we are not stuck on the anger/ victim channel. 

Today I am grateful for my daughter’s happiness and for those who are supporting her as she tells her story.  I hope some of you also will support her meager college fund by encouraging others to read the story she inspired. 

Forgiveness Defined and Explained: First in How to Forgive Series 18

Books, Forgiveness • Tags: , , ,

Definition and Why I Still Need Help

The first definition of forgive in the 2004 version of The Merriam-Webster Dictionary is: to give up resentment of.

I am still learning and growing as I continue to pursue forgiveness. I realized that I still have much to learn when someone once again wounded my loved one. Therefore, I did more research and found a wonderful book, Forgive for Good by Dr. Frederic Luskin. 

Introduction to Forgive for Good

I am still reading it; however, the first eleven chapters have had a profound effect on me.  I hope by sharing what I am learning others will see the valve of using Dr. Luskin’s techniques too.

The introduction to Forgive for Good explains that forgiveness is about obtaining peace.  It is not for the offender.  Dr. Luskin notes, “forgiveness does not mean that we give up our right to be angry when we have been hurt or mistreated.”  Several things Dr. Luskin states ring so true to me.  One of my favorites is, “Forgiveness is the powerful assertion that bad things will not ruin your today even though they may have spoiled your past.”

Part I

Dr. Luskin divided his book into three sections with Part I focusing on how we all create grievances in response to not getting our needs met and in the process we “rent too much space in our thoughts to disappointment.”  He is not saying anger is never appropriate, instead he explains that, “Anger can be a wonderful short-term solution to life’s difficulties, yet it is rarely a good long-term solution to painful events.”

I also love that he points out that holding others accountable for their actions is not the same as blaming them for how you feel.  Therefore, you can hold someone legally accountable for an injury and still forgive so you can heal.

Part II

Part II explores our choice to forgive.  He makes a point of explaining how we get stuck in being victims and that these stories, “unlike wine, do not improve with age.”  He points out that forgiveness is about changing our story from victim to hero.  We become heroes when we use our stories to heal, to help others or to avoid repeating mistakes.  We then stop using our stories for revenge or to get sympathy.

He dedicates a chapter to the health benefits of letting go of the anger where he mentions four studies he conducted.  The benefits include psychological and emotional well-being.  Another study showed that people who are forgiving are less likely to have a wide range of illnesses.

He also shares stories of families affected by violence in Northern Ireland who took part in the Stanford Forgiveness Project and forgave those who murdered their loved ones.  They should set an example for all of us.  I imagine this is one of the hardest things anyone would ever forgive.

Part III gives techniques to help us with forgiveness which I will explore in a future post since I have five more chapters to read in this section.