I have to learn to expect less while still hoping for more. I have to try to be as good as my Golden Retriever thinks I am.
I have said it before and I am saying it again. Forgiveness is hard especially forgiving family members who seemingly fail to understand or even to try to understand. I had a small rant on Facebook yesterday related to this. I became the Grizzly Bear Mom again and charged ahead. The thing is I really think the people I get mad with are clueless. They do not see what I expect them to see.
Maybe they cannot see. Maybe they never will. Maybe I have to forgive them anyway and let it go. This is what my child is doing and now she has become the teacher. I have to go back to my previous posts and make more time to work on the steps Frederic Luskin outlines in his book, Forgive for Good. I hope to get back to posting about this next week.
Addendum to explain this post:
I asked all of our family to support my daughter and all of them are aware of how hard April and May of 2011 were for us. In July of 2011, I posted a comment to address my daughter’s You Tube video on my personal FB wall. I had posted her video on my wall the previous Thursday. She posted her video on her own FB wall the previous Wednesday, and she okayed my posting her video as long as I shared only with family. I hoped that my family would listen to her video. I believed that her voice and her words would touch their hearts since they have failed to comment on her blog posts.
I thought they were just not comfortable posting on her wall and they would comment on mine. Initially none of them responded, all of the families of my close first cousins responded either on my wall or hers except for one, who is rarely on FB and another, who is on vacation.
My brothers still have not been heard from although two of their wives did respond after my post. They are married to the two brothers who aren’t on FB. The third brother’s wife is never on FB, but he liked something she posted on his wall. I told him about the video when I talked to him Thursday, so I know he knew about it. Still he has not responded to her video. My brothers all married wonderful women, and as I mentioned in a previous post one of my brothers is battling cancer, so I can forgive him completely. Plus, he has always made an effort to stay in touch and to talk to my children.
I honestly believe all three of them love me, but it is very frustrating to realize they can watch my daughter’s video and still not call or at least e-mail. Their wives should not have to handle things for them. I have told them this previously and their wives have told them too. That is why I am so frustrated with them.
My daughter actually wanted to post the video on her blog, but I did not think that is a good idea since so many spammers and others sometimes try to make less than desirable comments on our blogs. That is also the reason I do not openly mention or link to her blog. Her blog has avoided conflict and spam while mine has not. She is growing up, but I am still protective.
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Wonderful post. Made me think. I am going to look up the book you mentioned. I also posted your blog on My Life. One Story at a Time. When you have a moment, I would love a visit to my blog, especially if you need a laugh. Among the book reviews you will find stories about my crazy life. Our dogs teach us lots of lessons (as well as our children.) Great to have a new friend. I’m following and looking forward to reading more. Donna
I have not been on my computer much this week. I am still recovering from a lumbar compression fracture from this past May and I had doctor’s appointments this week. I am trying to avoid surgery so I am trying hard not to overdue it. Unfortunately, I did just that at home a couple of weeks ago when I was significantly better and caused a set-back. I will definitely stop by your site. I can always use a laugh and especially this week.
Oh Sue, I feel so bad for you…. As we have discussed many, many times, forgiveness is something with which I struggle…. Well, except for this: after two years of not talking to my mother, I called her today, and am going to visit her tomorrow. See, YOU have been a great source of amazing advice for me! I too, am still a work in progress.
I am so glad. I’ll be sending you positive thoughts and prayers tomorrow. I hope it goes well. I truly think we are all works in progress; it is just sometimes we need more work than others. Last week was one of those weeks. I am better this week. 🙂
I am catching up on your posts. I am so sorry that it has been a really hard week. I wish that I had more words of comfort. I think the words that I have are I am just so sorry and please know you are not alone. Please know that you are supported by so many. Thinking of you….Cheairs
Thank you so much for stopping by and offering your kind words. They do help!
Thank you! He would love the hug! I am working on things and I really do believe I have to practice what I preach and let it go especially since my daughter is doing this.
Ah yes, if only I could live up to what my dogs think of me!
They are so loving, loyal, forgiving and accepting.
Your dog is really beautiful, I wish I could reach into my screen and give him/her a hug 🙂
Sorry to hear you are going through this, Sue.
I hope and pray you will find your way through to peace.
I know the feeling Sue, it gets to me really bad.
Also it makes me feel like everything I have learnt about myself is not worth anything to these particular relatives.
They would rather think of my *CAL as being stupid than see her as she really is and get to know her, I mean REALLY get to know her. They would rather see me as a loon I think, but I’m past caring what they think know. I treat them politely and let them be them. They might never listen, but I can pray for them.
I only meet with them if it’s absolutely unavoidable, it’s not good for me or for my girl to be around un-accepting, judgemental people.
Sending you love and hugs.
I agree that it is not good for anyone to be around judgmental people or those who cannot accept us for who we are. You and Cal deserve better than that.
I honestly do not know what my brothers think. My daughter really does not know them since we live far away so thankfully it does not bother her as much as it bothers me. I used to go home every couple of years when I lived in Colorado, but since I have been in Hawaii I have only been back six times and two of those times the rest of my family did not go with me. We last visited 1 1/2 years ago.
It is truly a hard thing to forgive. I am still struggling with this in relation to a coworker who hurt me recently. She doesn’t even care that she has done so and has even bragged about getting what she wanted. I am almost more mad that our boss let her get away with it. I wish I could just let it go, but I so want them to acknowledge their failures to me and apologize.
Phil over at Healing, Empowering and Thriving recommended an excellent book to me that I have just started to read. It is On Apology by Aaron Lazare. I just am not sure that some people can apologize especially if they do not realize what they did wrong. I think some of my family are completely clueless no matter how much I try to explain to them that relationships are supposed to go two ways. One member of my family does not even call his son. Somehow when you move away, you cease to exist or you become the bad guy because you chose to move. I have just gotten over this for years and let it go. I just can’t let things go so easily when my children are involved; however in fairness, I have stopped communicating as much recently too. I just have gotten tired of it being a one sided relationship.
Have you spoken directly and plainly to the people in question about what your concerns are, what you want them to understand, and the response you want them to have?
Unfortunately, yes, I have spoken to them multiple times over a period of time. They respond positively and then revert back to old patterns. Maybe it really is time to just let it go. Honestly, I didn’t mind when they just ignored me, but when they ignore her I get upset.
I think this is a reality that many of us deal with; my son has been ignored by my brothers his entire life. It is what it is. He’s never noticed, so it’s never bothered him, and rather than hurting me, I accepted that it was a reflection of their own self-absorption rather than having anything to do with him (and later the girls). My husbands’ eight siblings have no relationship with him or our family.
Our lives are difficult enough without carrying the extra baggage. Having spoken to them, you have tried, but the reality is we cannot create relationships with family members for our children, especially not long distance ones. The relationships must come from the people themselves. ((()))
Thanks for the solidarity and hugs Kim! Yes, I finally am getting that it is a reflection on them and that it is something I cannot change.
It really is *so* much harder when they are blood relations!
Sending huge hugs Sue (()). x