Beginning the Final Steps
The final steps to forgiveness from Dr. Luskin’s book Forgive for Good begin with recognizing what he calls the unenforceable rules of wishes and hopes. This is what I fail victim to recently when I got upset about something that was out of my control.
Sometimes we have to accept that the goal we set will not be reached in the way we envisioned. That does not mean our goal is bad, it just means that we do not always have control over every situation.
Chosing Alternate Goals or Routes
We can make a decision to alter our goal or go a different direction when this happens rather than stewing over our disappointment and anger and allowing it to eat us alive. This may mean severing a relationship or it may mean looking at it from a different view and adapting our plan, but either way the point is to get unstuck so we can move on with our lives.
Instead of demanding others comply with our demands, we have to change our thinking to hoping our wishes come true and working to make this happen while realizing there will always be road blocks in life. Some we can go around, others we must go over or even under, sometimes we must turn around and regroup or walk or even run away. On a rare occasion maybe it is even okay to plow through the road block. However, first we must carefully weigh the danger and determine if it is safe or at least worth the risk. We must put aside our anger to make the best decision.
Refocus on Positive Intention
We need to turn the focus back to our positive intention and find another way to make that intention our destiny. I believe that our true purpose in life is to learn from our mistakes. Dr. Luskin states, “The person or event that hurt us is important insofar as we can learn from the situation. In no way, though, do we allow our grievance to distract us from our goal.”
He goes on to say what so many of us heard growing up. Our greatest revenge on someone who hurt us is to move on and find peace. He explains how to find your intention if you are unsure of what your intention is.
The Last Step: HEAL
The last step to forgiveness is HEAL.
- H is for hope. Hope for understanding.
- E is for educate. Educate yourself that you will experience disappointments.
- A is for affirm. Affirm your positive intention.
- L is for Long-term commitment. This is your long-term commitment to your well-being by doing whatever it takes to help you move forward.
I choose to educate others to help them avoid the same mistakes as part of my long-term commitment to heal from the mistakes I made when I did not understand my daughter. Your long-term commitment may involve assertiveness training, counseling, stress management or something else. Near the end of the book Dr. Luskin also discusses ways to forgive yourself. Like me you may have to go back to some of these steps at times when someone unexpectedly pushes your buttons and you find yourself once again needing to forgive yourself and/ or others.
I am grateful for the reminders throughout this book that I can regroup and go back to the stages when I falter in my forgiveness journey. I am grateful for all of the angels on Earth and in heaven who help me with this and I am grateful to those of you who share this journey.
As time passes, I learn more about forgiveness and more about letting go. Also, learning about clearing our home of negative energies. At times, however, there is residual anger which seems to reside at the very cellular level of our trauma which we can’t address consciously and actively. Looking for a path to release anger at these deeper levels and clear the memory on the cellular level because I know if I don’t it will eventually invite dis-ease. For me, still lots of work to do…
I am with you on the house clearing and working on getting rid of the deep anger. It is getting better and I do not dwell on it anymore, but it still rears its ugly head occasionally so I know I have to continue working on it. I do this with mediative pray asking God to send angels to help. It certainly isn’t easy especially when we see our children hurt. Sending you and your entire family lots of love and hugs.
Sounds like a really good book – thanks for sharing what you have gained from it with us!
I just saw a review of another book on forgiveness that may interest you. It’s at http://onedesertrose.wordpress.com/2011/08/10/tombstones-and-banana-trees-by-medad-birungi-with-craig-borlase/.
Thank you for sharing the link. His story does sound inspiring too. You may remember Immaculee Ilibagiza was the one who inspired me to forgive. Her story is somewhat similar although she did grow up in a loving family. I think anytime we turn to forgiveness instead of anger and violence we help the world to heal whether we do this through religion or not.