Category Archives: Schools

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Critique of “Bullying It Stops Here” 6

Accountability, Bullying, Bystanders, Gratitude, Schools, Teachers, Tolerence • Tags: , ,

Let’s Really Stop It.

I could not find the time to post about last Sunday’s Anderson Cooper’s “Bullying It Stops Here” until now. We still deal with the aftereffects of bullying everyday at my house. Yet, I hear how surprised people are about the study done by University of California sociologist, Dr. Robert Faris. Some have even called it groundbreaking. I laughed when I heard this and then I screamed at the television.

Does anyone ever listen to the parents of children who have been victims of bullying or to the victims themselves? The only new thing I got out of the whole show is a new term, “social combat.” I have been referring to it as the “mean girl” syndrome in our case. A syndrome that ironically began after the girls watched, “Mean Girls,” the movie inspired by Rosalind Wiseman’s book, Queen Bees and Wannabes.  

I know the book was not intended to have this effect, but in our case it did. I do believe Rosalind Wiseman’s other books including, Owning Up Curriculum: Empowering Adolescents to Confront Social Cruelty, Bullying, and Injustice, are more helpful and I do like how she now realizes the importance of the bystander’s and the teacher’s involvement in combatting bullying. I just think we need to go further than that if we really want to end the problem. 

Overall the study did not take some things into account. For instance I paused the video when they showed the survey questions the kids answered. Every child had a chance to identify someone who had been mean to them by student ID number and by initials. Now I know for a fact that the bullies identified my daughter as the mean one even though she was not. They even convinced others that she was mean. She was merely responding to the way they treated her. That is not meanness; that is self-preservation. These are two very different things. That is not to say that there are not children who are both victim and bully, but I would argue that this needs further investigation instead of taking it at face value in every case.

It is important to note that you cannot decide to put the victim and the bully in arbitration until you help the victim to heal and become empowered, and you cannot decide that they both need social skills training either which is what Dr. Phil suggested. They both need help, but social skills are not what the bullies lack. They lack kindness, empathy and in some cases humility.  

They overlooked other things too. They focused on “social combat” and bullying as it related to gay or perceived to be gay students at a school where the district has banned the term so that the victims cannot report the bullying without getting in trouble themselves; however, they missed other groups of victims. Basically any difference even medical health issues like allergies, diabetes, cerebral palsy and cancer, as well as those with learning disabilities, or any diagnosis are often victims of bullying to some degree.   

I think it is also important to educate teachers about how their own choice of words and/ or the way they talk to their students can set some children up for bullying. They need to understand the long-term effects of bullying too. Again, I am speaking from my family’s experience regarding this. You can read more about this in my previous post, Teachers Please Inspire and Support Our Children « Delightfully Different Life.    

People who believe bullying is no worse than it was in previous generations confound me. I strongly disagree and believe me I do know that many of my generation still carry scars of bullying. The biggest difference is society’s apathy about the bullying, leaving many of these children feeling they have nowhere to turn for help. My parents would never have allowed my brothers or me to be so blatantly mean, yet some parents today turn a blind eye, or are in denial. Add in the Internet, cell phones, and game consoles that too few learn to use responsibly and you have a recipe for disaster. Thus, the increase in suicides.

I am grateful that more light is shinning on this issue and I do hope more people are paying attention. I also hope I will have more opportunities to educate others about ways to help with this cause. Today I am grateful for every step in this direction no matter how small, and I am especially grateful that I got  a chance today. You can view it here: Keiki Talk – anti-bullying book. Thanks again Olena! 

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly of Media Use 9

Best of Best on S-O-S Blog, Media Use, Parenting, Schools • Tags: , ,

BestofBestMedia provides so many good things especially for special needs children.  It offers educational programs, a means for those without a voice to have one, and a place to stay in touch with far away family and friends.  It also provides support from others around the world.  This is the good.

However, there is another side to media devices that most of us are aware is bad.  That is the issue of needing to make sure that children learn to interact with others face to face, not just in cyberspace and that they get outside for fresh air and sunshine and exercise.  Many blame media devices for childhood obesity and other illnesses and most parents try to avoid the all day video games many of our children would enjoy.     

Consumer Reports released the results of a survey in May that indicated that 7.5 million Facebook users in the U.S. are under the age of 13, and about 5 million are under the age of 10.  Obviously, this is where things can start to get ugly.  Social networks have been used for bullying by some and others are looking to harm our children in other ways. 

That is why many sources recommend talking to children about the dangers and some suggest being on your child’s friend list.  Others even recommend having their passwords when they first start using social media so you can monitor and help them correct mistakes before they become major.  I see the value of teaching our children to use media responsibly whether they have special needs or not.

Young children certainly need to be monitored when they first start e-mailing, using instant messages, texting, surfing the Internet, using X-Box Live, or joining social networks even when they are thirteen.  Parents also have to monitor television and movie viewing closely especially for young children whether they have special needs or not. 

Those of us with special needs children may actually be better at helping our children avoid the pitfalls than some just because we have had to do this all of their lives.  It is so important that all parents teach their children that the Internet is forever.  Children need to understand that it can’t just be torn up or erased. 

It is the job of parents and educators to teach children responsible use of the Internet.  Children need to understand that there are laws that apply to certain behaviors and that they can destroy their repetition with inappropriate Internet posts.  Anonymity does not really exist for those who break laws as any computer address is traceable.           

Technology is a daily, graded class for sixth graders at my son’s school.  They learn how to safely navigate the Internet, applicable laws that apply to information on the Internet, as well as, how wrong it is to cyber bully someone.  They are accountable for their actions on the Internet, but parents need to remember that until their child reaches legal age, the parent is also accountable.  Maybe we all need a class like this too! 

Eliminate the Word Tattling 4

Bully Free, Bullying, Life Lessons, Parenting, Principals, Schools, Teachers • Tags: , , , ,


Word Press had what is your favorite word as a prompt a few days ago.  I do not have a favorite word, but I do have a least favorite one.  Well technically I guess it is a more than one word although they are all related to the same root word and meaning.  The words are: tattling, tattle-tale, tattle.  I think we should ban them from schools after second grade and replace them with informing, telling or reporting.  The reason I say this is because bystanders are so important to the safety of victims of bullying, yet too many do not speak up for fear of being labeled a tattle-tale in addition to fearing the bully. 

I think these words and their connotations discourage our children from reporting bullying. Kids do not want to be labeled as a tattle-tale. I suggest instead of using the word tattling, we talk to children about when to tell and when not to tell. Reporting someone who is harming others is sometimes necessary.  For instance, if you see a child being beaten by others and no one is coming to the child’s rescue, you definitely need to find an adult to help. You also need to find a way to help when someone is repeatedly ganged up on by other children even if it is not physical.

This goes back to the post I wrote about bystanders which you can read if you missed it:

The Importance of Bystanders | dswalkerauthor.

Informing, telling, or reporting to protect someone has a better connotation than tattling. Although criminals might not like informers, most of the rest of us are grateful for them. This is especially true when they take murders and drug pushers off the street.  This is not to imply that bullies are murders or drug pushers, but honestly what they do to the most vulnerable children is almost as bad.

I also still think the schools need to reward the bystander who does speak up with a tangible reward. Let me know what you think. When you were younger would you have been more likely to report someone being mean to another child if you knew you would not be called a tattle-tale, and instead might be rewarded and maybe even be someone’s hero?

Addendum: The video originally included in this post is no longer available. Basically it was a short segment by a group teaching children about reporting versus tattling.

Protecting Victims of Bullying 8

Bullying, Parenting, Schools • Tags: ,
School Pencils

Created using Swift Publisher 3. All rights reserved.

I dedicate today’s post to all of the young people who have been senselessly bullied especially to those who died because they were “bullied to death.”

Asperger’s, which is a high form of autism spectrum and an “invisible” diagnosis started me on this journey, but over the last year I have become even more horrified over the way others are treating young people with any difference. I want to help put a stop to these senseless acts of cruelty. However, we also have to help those who have survived these cruel acts to heal as we try to make the world a better place.

Therefore, this is a continuation of yesterday’s topic. You can read it here.

You have done everything you can to “bully proof” your child and they are still a victim, now what?

First and foremost as their parent your job is to protect them and to help them to heal when they are hurt, so refuse to allow anyone to tell you anything differently. I know many bully prevention programs and books tell you to let your child handle things because as parents we sometimes make things worse. You can try to let your child handle things, but if this causes more problems for your child or your child cannot handle it, Don’t listen to them.

I am telling you this because most authors of the books and programs are talking about children who develop typically, otherwise known as “neurotypical” children. Once our children are emotionally wounded they cannot be expected to handle things themselves or if they do try to handle it, they may give up and internalize negative emotions when the teacher, counselor, or principal listens to the other side and decides our child needs to change to fit in better.

Created using Swift Publisher 3. All rights reserved.

Created using Swift Publisher 3. All rights reserved.

Think about this for a moment.  You have a vulnerable child who has been repeatedly abused emotionally and even sometimes physically by his or her classmates.  The school reacts by giving the abuser detention or at the most expels the abuser for a short duration. Now the abuser comes back and tells everyone the victim is mean and got him or her in trouble. He or she does not touch the child physically and seems to no longer be bullying that child, but is that true? In the meanwhile the victim is having to meet with the counselor to learn skills to “fit-in” better. The rest of the school sees this child is different. They are fearful of being abused by the bully too and they decide to avoid the child who is different to avoid becoming the victim themselves.  No amount of role-playing or counseling is going to help the victim in this case. 

What do you do?

You can pull your child out of the school and either home school them or find another school, or you can decide to stay and work to change an ineffective system. If you decide to stay and fight, read on. If you are not staying, that is okay and you can still read further to see other options. We all have to do what is best for us and for our child.

Okay you are staying! First ask to see the school’s bully prevention policy. Next, research your local laws to see if your state has an anti-bullying law. If they don’t, check the laws that pertain to harassment, defamation of character, privacy, and to disabilities. Now contact an organization like Bully Police or a similar organization. You can find them by clicking on the link above, and they have a state-by-state contact list. They can offer suggestions and support about what your next options are. Once you arm yourself with this information go back to the school and try to get them to help.

So how do you help those who experience bullying and the ones who do the bullying?

  1. First, I know this is going to sound wrong to some people, but do not expel the bully if this is their first known episode of bullying. Instead of detention, educate them about why their behavior is wrong. Make them do presentations to others who bully to teach them about how wrong it is.
  2. Talk to the victim to make sure the bully is really changing. Enlist at least two model citizens to act as a mentor for the victim and make sure at least one of them is with the victim at all times.
  3. Reward those who report bullying including the victim. Start a rewards program where random acts of kindness are given points and a certain number of points equates to a tangible reward. The size of the reward does not matter as much as the need to reward good behavior. Simple rewards like a homework pass or ice cream are easy to do.

Bullying might not go completely away overnight, but if we all work together and encourage kindness and support the victims, it will get better while they are in school.  Let’s not make them wait until graduation for it to get better.  That is too late!