Dear Autism Mom 18

Franklin D. Roosevelt Memorial

I hate that I disappointed you so much that you felt you could only give my novel one star. Yet, you make me wonder. Are you really a special needs parent, or are you one of the bullies, who does not like that I still speak out about how wrong bullying is? There are three reasons I think this is likely.

First, I do not believe a special needs parent would intentionally wound anyone; especially not another special needs mom. Second, special needs moms who do take the time to leave reviews on usually have more than one book they have reviewed. Their name would identify them as an autism mom too. They would not use the name “Mom.” Third, I see a pattern. The only bad review Delightfully Different received previously appeared on Barnes and Noble just after my local book signing. The most recent review appeared the day I announced on Facebook that I was appearing on a local radio station the next day.

Your review would be wounding if I thought you really were a mother of a girl with Asperger’s. No author wants to disappoint her audience, and as a special needs parent, I really do not want to disappoint another parent. I apologize if you are truly a parent of a child with Asperger’s, and I want to explain a few things to you.

My daughter saw psychologists from the time she was in kindergarten. She did not receive a diagnosis of Asperger’s until she was ten. During that time we listened to bad advice and followed it. Therefore, my book was not written just to address bullying. I do not believe the information on the cover indicates that it was. I am reasonably sure you know that if you are a special needs parent.

I wrote it because too many doctors, teachers, and others let us down along the journey to getting my daughter’s diagnosis. I wanted to help other parents avoid the pitfalls by clearly showing signs of Asperger’s and sensory sensitivity that doctors and others missed when my daughter was younger. I hoped to educate extended family members too. My daughter realized she was different and she did not know why. She saw herself as flawed, and she thought we saw her that way too. This allowed the bullies to inflict deeper emotional wounds. The fact that the Queen Bee was someone she previously trusted and confided in did not help either.

Thankfully, she no longer sees herself that way, but she is still working to recover from the wounds inflicted by a group of vicious girls and an intolerant English teacher. I really hope you are not one of her tormentors, but I have a message for you if you are. You will not get me to shut up by criticizing my novel. Every author has people who do not like their style of writing, and even bad reviews can sell novels. So, mahalo for writing your review, and mahalo for giving me a new resolve to write a better second novel that will address cyberbullying.

I have one more message for her former bullies if you are reading this. I hope one day you will wake-up and realize how wrong you are, and you will have the guts to tell her how sorry you are. Please do not expect her to absolve you of your sins. You are no longer important enough for her to wish you pain, but years of abuse cannot be forgiven overnight. I do hope you can forgive yourself and that you will turn your life around and help others instead of inflicting more pain.

Dreaming of Acceptance and Understanding and Carefree Days 9


Can you see Pegasus in the clouds? Pegasus is the white-winged horse of greek mythology and a constellation. He has always been special to me. I am not really sure why. Maybe because I grew up with horses. I fell in love with Colorado before I ever moved there listening to John Denver and watching his specials, so naturally when I saw these clouds I thought of the old John Denver song, “Pegasus.”

“A kid knows what he wants to be before he’s nine or ten,
cowboys, clowns and men of war, someone else’s friend.
But nine grows into big boy’s pants and then to scars and pain.”

“…..Tell the one about the man who saddled up the wind,
Pegasus and flying fish and woodmen made of tin.
Pegasus and flying fish and woodmen made of tin.”


Do you see the flying fish? It is really a bird, but it looks like a fish doesn’t it? If you use your imagination you can see an angel just above and to the right of him.

I do not have a woodmen made of tin cloud picture, so you’ll have to use your imagination for that one.

You see in the words of Joni Mitchell, “I really don’t know clouds at all.” But, I do know that perceptions of autism frequently are illusions based on limited experience, and I know that nine and ten-year olds or anyone else should not experience bullying. I know it grows into scars and pain.

I had a dream when my daughter was born. A dream of a life filled with joy and happiness, of a house filled with her friends.  I imagined them walking to and from the mall together chatting along the way. I believed with all my heart that it would come true. The bullies and the teacher who had an illusion of Asperger’s and the long-term effects of bullying put a huge hole in my dream, but they did not destroy it.

Her future still holds promise. She dreams of leaving this island and going away to college to somewhere no one knows her. She dreams of starting fresh. She can still grow up and live a full life. She will make friends that share her interests and see her kind heart one day. Tween and teenage years are not the end of her story. I know this because I have met some of my closest friends as an adult. We share a bond of friendship stronger than teenage friends.

The world will be more understanding one day because I and others refuse to allow it to be otherwise.

Three Voices of Inspiration: Promoting Accommodation, Acceptance and Appreciation of Differences 3

What is Inspiration? The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines inspiration as “the act or power of moving the intellect or emotions.” People who work to change the world to a place where we appreciate differences inspire others. They accept the challenge to heal society of its wrongs. They raise their voices to educate others as they work to forgive them for their lack of understanding.

I am among the privileged that heard voices of inspiration recently at the Pacific Rim International Conference on Disabilities & Diversity. Their voices made me realize that they are not the ones disabled; society’s treatment of them gives this illusion. The truth is anyone who fails to see others soul to soul is far more disabled than anyone we call “disabled.” Society is wasting brilliant minds by failing to see this.

There was so much inspiration in one place! Three of the voices that inspired me the most were Keith P. Jones of Soul Touchin, Drew Goldsmith of, a site that no longer exists, and Laura Nagle of the documentary, Vectors of Autism.

Keith P. Jones has cerebral palsy, but please do not feel sorry for him. He is one of the best voices for advocacy I have ever had the privilege to hear. He gave his presentation to a standing room only crowd while he cracked jokes and told how he handles those who inappropriately invade his personal space. Hint: Never ever ask to pray for him and then pray for the “sins of his mother.” His mother did not cause his cerebral palsy and she is no sinner!

Drew Goldsmith turns sixteen this month, but he has already accomplished much in his young life, so please No Pity when you learn that he is autistic. Not only is he a film creator, he also started a website, “I am Norm” to educate others and change the perception of others about being “normal.” I love this young man and wish him all the best in the future. I know he can go far if society allows him to do so.

Laura Nagle is an Aspie woman who prefers being called an Aspie instead of Autistic because, “That man (Hans Asperger) got us.” I am proud to call her my friend. She found me on Twitter months ago and identified me as a “half-Aspie”, a term I have come to love. The movie Vectors of Autism premiers April 13th in Flagstaff, AZ on the NAU campus. She talks about how society holds people back much more than anything else does. She wants to heal society as do I. She does not like using the word disability and I understand completely. She and other adults give parents a better understanding of Aspie and autistic children in a way that no one else can.

Seven Myths About Sensory Issues 9

By Bobbi Sheahan

I appreciate the opportunity to return to D.S. Walker’s site as a guest blogger! Today, I’m back to talk about Sensory Processing Disorder, which was formerly called Sensory Integration Dysfunction.

Our senses are what we humans use to perceive. In addition to our five senses of taste, touch, smell, hearing and vision, people also perceive temperature, balance, acceleration, proprioception/kinesthesis (where one’s body is in space), and pain. When any of these “senses” are calibrated differently from the norm, it is considered a sensory difference.  These differences can rise to the level of sensory dysfunction, which can be dangerous. For example, my child seemed, for years on end, to have no sense of smell and perception of pain. Before having my daughter, I’d never thought of pain as a good thing, but it is actually an extremely good thing; pain is a useful signal that tells us to stop doing something.

I recently had the privilege of speaking with Marla Roth-Fisch, author of Sensitive Sam and a Board Member of the Sensory Processing Disorder Foundation. She was very patient with my questions. I asked her all about sensory issues, and wow, did I learn a lot about sensory challenges! I’ll now share with you some basic misunderstandings about Sensory Processing Disorder that Marla and the SPD Foundation can help us to clear up.

Myth: Sensory issues are really discipline issues. 

Truth:   When a child is hypersensitive, you may think that he’s just being high-maintenance. If, on the other hand, your child is hyposensitive, you may feel as if you are parenting a human cannonball. Often, you may see a little of both. In either event, your child isn’t doing this on purpose to annoy you, even though it may feel that way. You may just think that Johnny is a picky eater, but the truth is, you can’t “solve” a sensitive child’s issue by continuing to irritate him further. His brain is processing information differently, and he needs some help to cope with that. As parents, we have to remember that we’re trying to help our kids to be able to function, not just trying to get them to be compliant in the moment. There are all sorts of things that we can do to help. For example, if a child has a sensitivity to certain types of clothing – maybe he doesn’t want to wear jeans or clothing with labels – there are clothing companies who make nothing but soft clothing, such as www.softclothing.netInstead of treating a sensory issue as a discipline issue, you might spend some time with a good Occupational Therapist, who can acquaint you with a sensory diet (it’s not about food – well, not JUST about food) and provide you with tools such as weighted blankets that can help your child to feel comfortable and adapt. These sorts of things can make a big difference, and I’ll bet you’ll see more pleasing  — and safe – behavior, too. As Marla Roth-Fisch explained to me, a child with SPD is special, not bad.

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Myth: For a sensory issue to be real, it should be consistent.
Truth:  Sensory issues can be very slippery!  Carol Kranowitz, in The Out of Sync Child, points out that kids can have sensory issues in one area (say, hearing or vestibular) but not another (auditory or smell for example). She also points out, “Sometimes the child will show characteristic of a dysfunction one day but not the next. For instance, the child with proprioceptive problems may trip over every bump in the pavement on Friday yet score every soccer goal on Saturday. Inconsistency is the hallmark of every neurological dysfunction.” At our house, we have a child who went from demanding dangerously-hot showers (she insisted that showers at a reasonable temperature were Cold Showers) to not really seeming to notice water temperature at all. She – and her mother — can also veer from agile to clumsy in a single bound.

Myth:  Sensory Processing Disorders are rare.
Truth:  According to the SPD Foundation, as many as one in twenty people deal with some sort of sensory integration issue. (This number may be even higher, and it appears to be on the rise.) Don’t like labels on clothes? Bugged by sounds that the person next to you doesn’t notice? Insensitive to pain? A bit of a klutz? Could be a sensory challenge. If it is, you aren’t alone. And you aren’t crazy or high-maintenance either. Sensory issues are real, and they are HUGE. Speaking for myself, I didn’t appreciate my own sensory processing differences until my daughter was diagnosed with autism. Like most kids with autism, she has a boatload of sensory differences –  although, interestingly enough, sensory issues aren’t part of the diagnostic criteria for autism. (I’ll restrain myself from digressing into that topic, but I’m tempted…)

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Myth:  There’s nothing you can do about sensory issues.
Truth:  There is more help available than you might realize! Good Occupational Therapy for SPD is fun, play-based, and family-centered. Another great jumping-off point is a lovely children’s book by Marla Roth-Fisch, called Sensitive Sam. I love this book for many reasons – the adorable illustrations, the great information, the fun rhyming format, the fact that my kid won’t give my copy back to me – but the thing that jumps out to me about the book is the fact that so many people – children and adults alike — can pick it up and have a lightbulb moment – “Hey, I do that! Thought I was the only one!” I think the word I’m looking for is accessible. It’s delightfully accessible. If we can be accepting and compassionate about our own sensory issues, we’re going to be in a much better position to help our kids understand theirs.

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Myth:  There’s nothing good about having sensory issues.
Truth:  There’s no doubt that having one’s senses calibrated differently is a challenge, but there is lots of help for the challenges, and there is an upside too. I call them Sensory Superpowers. My daughter and my husband, for example, have sensitive hearing, but it is coupled with an ability to hyperfocus, and I have seen them accomplish amazing things as a result. Find me a genius, and I’ll bet you’ve just found someone whose senses are very acute. 

Myth:  Kids will just outgrow their sensory issues.
Truth:  Maybe they will, and maybe they won’t. If a sensory issue rises to the level of interfering with daily enjoyment of life, this is where an Occupational Therapist can be a big help.

Myth:  I don’t have sensory issues.
Truth:  Okay, this one might be true. Maybe you do, and maybe you don’t. Gifted people, and those with autism and ADHD, are more frequently diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. Lots and lots of people – including people with no other neurological or physical challenges or disabilities – have sensory sensitivities. For years, I’d say, “I have high pain tolerance,” or “I have a sense of smell like a dog,” and I did not realize that these were Sensory Superpowers.

More Resources:  Want to learn more about Sensory Processing Disorder? Lots of great resources are available at and Marla Roth-Fisch’s website is terrific:  Marla’s book, Sensitive Sam, and Dr. Lucy Jane Miller’s books, No More Secrets and Sensational Kids, are available from Future Horizons with a 15% discount plus free shipping when you use the checkout code BOBBI: . For a more in-depth look at the use of deep pressure, I also recommend to you an excellent article written almost twenty years ago by Temple Grandin, Ph.D., called Calming Effects of Deep Pressure in Children, College Students, and Animals, published in the Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychopharmacology, Volume 2, Number 1, 1992, Mary Ann Liebert, Inc., Publishers, which can be found here:

Bobbi Sheahan is co-author of What I Wish I’d Known About Raising a Child With Autism; A Mom and a Therapist Offer Heartfelt Guidance for the First Five Years (Future Horizons, 2011). Portions of this article are excerpted from Chapter 3 of the book, which is available at and wherever books are sold. Bobbi is also the cohost of the internationally-broadcast Autism As They Grow radio show, which broadcasts live on Wednesday nights, 9:30 Eastern/6:30 Pacific/1:30 a.m. London/Dublin and is available in archives anytime at